I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
