My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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