I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
