I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
