Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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