for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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