Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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