WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
