WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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