I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
