We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
