Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
