apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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