Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
