In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
