wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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