I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
