I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
