Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I love how my cats smell like pot.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
