Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
