Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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