I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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