I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
