Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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