i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
