I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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