Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
jump out the window naked night went bad
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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