my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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