i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
