i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
