I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
