You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
