we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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