i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
