I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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