My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
