If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
