just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
