I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
