Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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