don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
