I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
