i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
