when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
