i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I cut my penus on the lid.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
