You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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