what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
