a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
