Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
