its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
