I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
someone owes me an orgasm
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just pee around me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
